Healing
Danielle Mitchell

I am lying on my bed trying to recuperate from another busy weekend. It seems now that all my weekends are busy. I guess they have to be. Otherwise, I would have time for my mind to wander and I would start thinking about…. No, no, no. Let me stop. I’m not thinking about him anymore; he doesn’t matter. Anyway, a busy weekend is nothing new to me. I have to pack my weekend with things so I won’t think. Then, I have to make sure I am so tired that I do not have an opportunity to think about anything during the week, but my work. That’s why these bags are under my eyes on Monday mornings and why by Wednesday I am so ready for the escape to begin again.

See, I am trying to elude this thing called love. I know most of the world has probably had this experience before, but it is my first and hopefully last time. I hear that falling in love and being hurt is a part of life, but it is one I want to avoid and I advise others to avoid at all costs. I’ll try to explain what it is like. Have you ever felt ecstatically happy, like you are on top of the world? Nothing seems to hurt or affect you. Everything is okay. It seems every problem can be solved easily as long as he is by your side. The simplest phone call or shortest email has the ability to brighten your day. There isn’t one conclusive adjective you can use to describe this feeling. It is a combination of happiness, excitement, contentment, elation, peace, anxiety, nervousness, and connection. You are connected to that one person in a way that you do not connect to anyone else on this earth. You know when he’s happy, sad, or angry. You know how to make him happy, sad, or angry. And you know how to keep him happy, cheer him up, or calm him down. You just know him. You know what he is thinking despite what he says or what he does. You know when he wants to cry, but cannot because that would ruin his image. You know when he says he loves you he’s not just trying to get you in bed because his actions prove his love. Your love forms a bond, a circle of unending phone calls, emails, gifts, cards, whispers, and letters just to express verbally the way you both feel inside. Men can be so romantic sometimes. He buys you nice gifts and clothes and takes you to expensive restaurants not because you demand it, but because he knows you deserve the best.

Before you know it, you’re hooked and you cannot do anything about it. Women have this way of becoming attached very quickly. Our feelings and emotions can become very involved in a short amount of time. When that occurs, as a popular saying goes, “It’s all over.” He is now a part of your life and there really is nothing wrong with that. The hurt comes starts when, for some reason or another, he is not a part of your life anymore. It does not matter which one of you initiated the separation, it still hurts.

Then, it is time for the healing process to begin. No matter how hard or tough you think you are, if it was really love there are going to be some tears and a lot of lonely nights just sitting and thinking about him. It feels like nothing and no one can help you, but everyone will try. People will give you all types of advice. They will tell you to find someone else to replace him. Your friends will tell you that you are too good for him anyway. You’ll hear that he is a fool for leaving someone like you. These lines and various others are supposed to make you feel better, but rarely ever do.

You’ll try anything and everything to forget about him. You’ll probably go on dates, talk to a lot of different men, and pack your life with things that do not let you think about him. However, none of these things work. You can do whatever you want to hide the fact that you are hurt and to try to suppress the love you have for him, but when you slow down a bit, you will probably realize that you still do love him. All your efforts have been in vain and you are back where you started. I am at this point now. I am tired of thinking about him, but I miss him so much. I am tired of being alone, but I don’t want anyone else. I am tired of dating, but I cannot stand to be alone. I am tired of crying, but the tears won’t stop. I am tired of being empty, but I cannot seem to fill the void in my spirit.

Now, I am realizing that the only way to mend a broken heart is to allow time to pass and God to work. The passage of time eases the pain because the wound is no longer fresh. New things begin to divert your attention. Even though you will probably still think about him, it won’t be as frequent as it used to be. The sore on your heart won’t ache as much. God will begin to fill the void in your life. He will show you that He is all that you need. If you reach out to him, he will dry your tears and calm your fears. It took me a while to learn that God heals in every situation including relationships. Since then, the single life has not been as hard. My weekends now are still busy, but I am not running from his memory anymore. I am creating new ones.
      

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© 2000 Howard University. H. Patrick Swygert, President
(First Published in limited print edition by
The Composition for Honours Class, College of Arts and Sciences, Howard University, Spring 2000.)
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