Relationships: Boundaries

UnhealthyHealthy
Telling all.I consider the other person's level of interest and caring before opening up to them.
Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting.

I do not overwhelm a person with things about me. I trust step-by-step as I feel I am getting trust in return.

Falling in love with a new acquaintance.I allow love to develop. I know the qualities I need in a relationship and those that are negative for me.
Falling in love with anyone who reaches out.When someone reaches out to me I ask myself whether this person has the qualities I need.
Being overwhelmed by a person-preoccupied.When I am in a relationship, I am able to "compartmentalize" other areas of my life and to continue to function in them.
Acting on first sexual impulse.My feelings and my self-esteem decide whether I act on sexual impulses. "Will I feel good about myself?" is my question.
Being sexual for partner not self.I do not "fake" sexual feelings. I do not have sex to avoid hurting my partner's feelings. I cannot be nagged or blackmailed emotionally into having sex.
Going against personal values or rights to please others.I have values that are not negotiable in a relationship. I am not willing to "do anything" for a partner.
Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries.I am wary of someone who wants to get too close to me too soon. I notice whether someone I am beginning to relate has values and opinions.
Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries.I notice when someone is overly helpful, tries to make decisions for me, or does not consult me about time commitments.
Accepting food, gifts, touch, sex.I decide before accepting something whether I want to do it. I do not ask whether the other person's feelings will be hurt if I refuse.
Touching a person without asking.I do not touch others without thinking about whether they have given me signals that it is okay.
Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting.I do not "test" in a relationship by keeping track of how much is given me as a way of measuring love.
Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving.I do not give beyond what I can afford materially or emotionally because it makes me feel secure to think I have "sacrificed" for the other person.
Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.I am aware of when I am being taken advantage of and I am willing to confront the other person about it.
Letting others direct your life.I know what I want from life and I have goals in many areas, I listen to opinions but make the decisions for myself.
Letting others describe your reality.I assume that my perception of what is going on is just as accurate as my partner's in a relationship. I refuse to allow my partner to tell me, "You don't feel that way."
Letting others define you.I know who I am. I am wary of partners who want me to be different.
Believing others can anticipate your needs.I do not expect others to read my mind about what is going on with me. I tell them.
Expecting others to fill your needs automatically.I do not expect others to put me first in everything we do together. I do not expect a partner to make me OK just by being there.
Falling apart so someone will take care of you.I do not play games about how I feel to get sympathy or support. 
Self-abuse: sexual and physical abuse, food abuse, work abuse.I respect myself as a person who is worthwhile. I believe I am in charge of my body and what others do to it. I take care of my body and my health as part of my respect for me as a total person.

 

Last updated March, 2010